Poor Rich Kids

And Now For Something Completely Different

Posted in Uncategorized by thepoors on July 24, 2009
nerdOne of the advantages of the PRK lifestyle is that you have literally a TON of time to wallow in adderall-fueled mind-melds (though truth be told, you’re probably selling your ‘scrip for some cash). Here’s a REAL-LIFE EXAMPLE of what happens when you’ve scored some ‘rall and you’re so bored you write an essay with EVERY SINGLE WORD the New York Times thinks is too difficult for jobbies to understand:

In a Sisyphean endeavour of verbal epistemology, I attempt to create a microcosmic bildungsroman sui generis. Why engage in such a saturnine task?

I have a GRE on Saturday and studying has thus far been inchoate so I decided to amalgamate the words most often looked up from NYT articles to rant a little. I’m not in the habit of “writing,” for fear my abilities at the craft would lead to abject penury, but long on time, here’s an apotheosis of abstruseness.

It has come to most everyone’s attention that the comity of Ivy leaguers with two years of less-than-recondite experience in finance is as fungible as the markets’ commodities… and has declined as precipitously in value. The appurtenance of a high-paying job or a prestigious role at a non-profit have blown away like phlogiston. So we now glut the streets like over-educated bonobos in contretemps suffering from our hand-crafted Atreus’s revenge in the form of a financial debacle.

I learned about Schadenfreude from Ms Pettingill in 8th grade English. I learned it again when I saw the high-school bully chortle as he kissed my prom date. My adenoidal pleas to lure her back were feckless. I was an ersatz even though I didn’t know what that meant. Now, when I speak with my parent’s friends and tell them of my tales on “wall street” I recognize my high-school pal Schaddy again, and its a reminder that the parlous state of our economy won’t turn until those smirks are gone.

Thus far I’ve had an, um… peripatetic career. I think “jack of a few trades master of fewer (trades are countable?)” is the modified banal shibboleth I’m looking for. My sartorial taste rivals the apocryphal youngest brother’s hand-me-down closet, so I haven’t blown my meager saving yet. But like many of my generation I sit contemplating my next move, reading, listening to, and watching the news.

The paroxysm of apoplectic headlines on the swine flu pandemic and the global recession suggests those responsible for providing the “news” are as solipsistic as the dauphin’s consoling words to his ailing father. The risible fact is that their fealty to truth is outmatched by the sanguine joy garnered from higher ratings and traffic. Lest I provide no point (and I have one?) in my peroration, underneath my obfuscating prevarication is a idealistic desire. Over time, I hope my generation develops more sumptuary tastes and enervates the hedonistic profligacy of the early 2000’s. Of course, I’m not expecting hagiography to replace banking, but if the greatest generation came out of the now antediluvian Great Depression, what will do we want to be called when we come out of GD 2.0? I bet we can do better.

Of course, as the grand nephew of a devout neologist (there’s a booming industry with little outsourcing), I propose we create a term for words that are both harder to pronounce and longer than their meaning. Antediluvian is both more letters and syllables than “out-of-date” suggesting using it in an attempt to appear laconic, is louche as best and at worst makes the interlocutor a douche. Hopefully we’ll leave it behind when we find a word for “better than greatest” and become that generation.

Don’t you wish you had more quality time on YOUR hands?

News Roundup #4: In Which the Times Confuses Poor Rich Kids with Rich-Rich Kids

Posted in In the News by thepoors on June 12, 2009

08trustafarian1.spanIt’s been awhile since our last post, we know. We’d like you to think it’s because we got so poor we could no longer afford Internet, but clearly we’d never let that happen. The truth is, we really had a handle on the zeitgeist – so much so that there’s not much left to write, what with the New York Times devoting thousands of words every day to the plight of people like us.

What? You don’t believe us? CHECK OUT THESE ARTICLES, TRUSTAFARIANS.

In this fine piece of journalism, the Times informs us that the KIDZ in Williamsburg are having a tough time of it.

Famed for its concentration of heavily subsidized 20-something residents — also nicknamed trust-funders or trustafarians — Williamsburg is showing signs of trouble. Parents whose money helped fuel one of the city’s most radical gentrifications in recent years have stopped buying their children new luxury condos, subsidizing rents and providing cash to spend at Bedford Avenue’s boutiques and coffee houses.

And then there’s the story of the 26-year-old construction worker.

Eric Gross, 26, a construction worker, was going to buy, with help from his father, a $600,000 one-bedroom condo with city views at Northside Piers, a luxury building, he said. But his father, who works in the auto industry, said he had to reduce his contribution. “He’s pulling back the lifeline,” Mr. Gross said.

Okay, this a real what-the-fuck moment. WHAT KIND OF 26-year-old CONSTRUCTION WORKER IS BUYING A MOTHERFUCKING CONDO IN A LUXURY BUILDING IN THE BURG? Doesn’t he know that he should be writing a novel or doing some graphic design or going to grad school? Oh wait, he’s a construction worker because he’s DOING RESEARCH for his future NOVEL ABOUT CONSTRUCTION WORKERS WHO LIVE IN PENTHOUSES.

Now that the Times has adequately covered the real estate travails of rich-rich kids, let’s move on to SARTORIAL PURSUITS, aka, you’ll never guess who’s shopping at Goodwill!

GRACE BELLO clutched her prize to her chest. “This Marc Jacobs dress is making my day — I need it,” she said. At that moment, Jim DePaolis, a sales associate, raced toward her with a Diane Von Furstenberg frock in one hand and a black cocktail dress in the other…A style-struck pair, Ms. Bello, a writer, and Mr. DePaolis, who has worked for Banana Republic, might have been haunting some Manhattan citadel of chic — Jeffrey in the meatpacking district or Barneys on Madison Avenue. In fact they were in Chelsea, spelunking for treasures at the Goodwill store on West 25th Street.

So do these “chic,” “style-struck” people have jobs? Of course not! They’re unemployed, er, FUNemployed!

Buoyed by severance, savings, unemployment checks or their parents, the funemployed do not spend their days poring over job listings. They travel on the cheap for weeks. They head back to school or volunteer at the neighborhood soup kitchen. And at least till the bank account dries up, they’re content living for today.

“Living for today.” We call bullshit. These kids have no idea what they’re getting into.

Lifestyle #12: Hanging Out With Your Parents

Posted in Lifestyle Advice by thepoors on May 12, 2009

35415119_97a850e548Back when you were cool and surly and all of 16 or 18 or even 20, hanging out with your parents was so lame. Mom and Pop would ask you if you wanted to go to dinner, catch up, talk about life, maybe even see a movie, and you’d be like, “I HAVE FRIENDS MOM AND DAD / I HAVE MY OWN FUCKING LIFE / STOP BOTHERING ME / YOU SUCK / I NEVER WANT TO SEE YOU EVER / KEEP PAYING FOR COLLEGE.”

But as a not-quite-grown-up, times have changed. These days, poor rich kids love nothing more than some good old-fashioned quality time with Mom and Dad.

“What’s that, Mom? You want to see The Soloist? It looks like a TERRIBLY CRAPPY movie, but I’d love to go.”

“Oh, you want to have dinner on Saturday night? Oh, sounds wonderful, I have a totally HOT DATE that I will cancel so we can dine at the Gramercy Tavern.”

Accept whatever generosity your parents bestow upon you. If they want to do your laundry, lend you their car, take you to fancy dinners, or go to a movie, DO IT. It beats sitting at home. Parents = new best friends.

We love you, Mom and Dad. Happy Mom and Pop’s Day.

Lifestyle #11:THROWING HOUSE PARTIES

Posted in Lifestyle Advice by thepoors on April 17, 2009

2177736670_4924c10474So these days, what with the RECESSION and all, even jobbies are throwing cheap-o parties! Instead of the typical let’s-go-to-a-fancy-restaurant-and-then- split-the-bill-and-make-you-pay-$80- even-though-you-didn’t-order-anything- parties, they’re going to “dive bars” and buying “cheap beer.” Here are some REAL-LIFE INVITES to jobby parties:

dont you miss thursday nights at the [redacted]? what about bipolar bartenders (not [redacted] of course)? for all you recessionistas come join me for my birthday for $8 pitchers because lets face it, these days none of you can afford $20 vodka tonics on the lower east side.

AND:

In This Economy

Forget $15 haute cocktails

Lines of bridge and tunnelers & bouncers who rule the scene

Come celebrate my 25th with me at the dive of all dives in [redacted]. There will be cheap drinks, sandwiches and freeze dance!

You can obviously parlay this microtrend to your advantage. Say it’s your birthday, an event you haven’t celebrated since, like, college. Throw a HOUSE PARTY (actually, say it’s a HIPSTER DANCE PARTY, which will make all the jobbies feel jealous because they have their parties in shitty BARS), promise all those recessionistas CHEAP BEER, and then PRETEND THAT YOU’RE ALL OUT OF BOOZE BY THE TIME THEY GET THERE. Obliging jobbies will go to the nearest bodega and pick up an entire case of Magic Hat because that’s what they think the poor kids drink. Everyone gets drunk and has fun, and you’ve managed to celebrate another year of non-accomplishment for free. It’s win-win-win. You might even get laid, but oh wait, you sleep on a fucking ratty mattress.

Dating Tip #3: The Local Getaway

Posted in dating, Lifestyle Advice by thepoors on April 3, 2009

Roosevelt Island

So you charmed the shit out of some jobby’s girlfriend with your avant attitude and that worldly glisten in your eye and now she wants to “hang out.” But hold up broke-romeo, this business is not ready for your abstract fantasies of nudie movie watching. Even the PRK must go out on dates, and as everyone knows dates cost money. Maybe you already tried a trip to the museum, or maybe she’s just not that kind of gal (is she from Long Island? did she go to Vanderbilt?), but rest assured there are plenty of cheap dates, and  we’re not talking about cruising the LES for lonely, drunk 18-year-olds at 3am. We present PRK Dating Tip #3: Roosevelt Island.

Established in 1921 as Welfare Island, this sliver of land between midtown and Queens is the perfect spot for your PRK date.

Why: Although it’s just a stones throw away from Manhattan, no one ever goes there. Filled with a rich history of prisons, psych wards, and syphilis containment centers, the old hospital buildings are something between a tour of Scottish castles and a good ol’ scary movie–either way, a total panty-dropper.

What to do: Check out the old Octagon lunatic asylum (now luxury apartments with an art gallery in the lobby). When you are done there head down main street to the one diner/bar (Trellis, 549 Main St.) for a couple of cold ones, before taking a sunset walk down the east-river-front promenade.

How to get there: You can take a subway there, but be sure to catch the cable car back, as the sun goes down over midtown and the stars begin to twinkle over the Bronx, this ride is the perfect spot to make your move.

Lifestyle #10: The Flask

Posted in Lifestyle Advice by thepoors on April 1, 2009

11521Say for some reason you weren’t able to stay at home and some girl dragged you out to Rose Bar or whatever with the jobbies. The girls order cosmos or whatever it is girls drink, and the bros are downing double-shots of bro-sauce. Your “friends” are picking up rounds left and right – pretty soon it’s going to be your turn to take on the dreaded $70 tab. This could easily spell disaster.

But you had the foresight to bring a flask!

You take out your flask and pass it around, telling everyone that this flask–monogrammed, obviously, and bought off Ebay!–belonged to your grandfather, who was some famous Salingerian New Yorky half-WASP, even though you are full-time Jewish–who gives a shit, you could be Hindu! You claim that you would go get everyone drinks, it’s just that the bar is so fucking crowded–isn’t this easier? The girls are left shaking their heads at what a classy guy you are. The bros are jealous of your seemingly endless supply of the sauce. The flask is an incredibly easy way to exude class while simultaneously–and secretly– maintaining cheapness.

As a bonus, you can put cheap, well whiskey inside and tell everyone it’s Johnny Walker Black. No one will know the difference, because all flask-alcohol tastes disgustingly similar. Just beware of bouncers, who will kick you out of the bar for bringing in outside alcohol, and of your friend’s friend Melanie, whom everyone knows has mouth-herpes.

Dear Unemployed Friend Presents: Back in the Saddle

Posted in "career paths", Letters from an Employed Friend by laurbelle2 on March 29, 2009

workplace-hell

When a PRK decides it’s time to buck up and get back to the workplace, conflicting emotions can arise. Thoughts may be troubled. Situations may be sticky. And I don’t even mean that nasty freight elevator that you take up the shared office space where your new Craigslist-found job is housed. As an Employed Ally of PRK, I thought it would behoove me to share some insights with you regarding those those first few weeks back as a cog in the good ole fashioned working wheel of America.

Disclaimer: I am 4 months back in action and still frequently harbor these thoughts.

1. While in bathroom (your 4th bathroom break of the day, just to avoid hyperventilating at your cubicle): Should I take some of these extra toilet paper rolls home with me?

2. In aforementioned claustrophobic/chinese food reeking cubicle: Free staples, too?!

3. While in cafeteria with your new work “friends”: FREE FORKS & KNIVES?? HOLY SHIT WORKING IS AWESOME!!!

4. After your 4th meeting of the day to discuss “brand initiatives”: so wait, trolling facebook and gmail for 45 minutes isn’t considered graphic design work? How else am I supposed to get inspired and free up brain space?

5. FREE LONG DISTANCE CALLING!?!?

6. Do you think I can get high from all of this white-out?

7. What’s up with Karl’s BO?

8. I wonder if Karl has a girlfriend?  Is he wearing a wedding ring or is that bro-riffic tribal jewelry?

douche-bag

8. Do unicorns really exist?

9. What does “brand initiative” mean?

You get the idea, my aspiringly industrious friends.  Work is hard work.  It’s confusing.  It’s larceny-inducing.  I wish you good luck.

News Roundup #3: Honey I Shrunk the POOR RICH ADULT

Posted in In the News by thepoors on March 25, 2009

25kim_6002In today’s New York Times, food writer Kim Severson brings us the latest in Poor Rich Adult technology–Dining well for less on PORK TACOS. What? A pork shoulder is only $1.60/LB? Who knew? Calling to mind the puritan chastity and frugality on which our great nation was founded, Severson manages to feed six people on a measly $50. In these times of trouble (its the recession, stupid) I’m so glad the NYT has the sort of grace and perspective blah blah. FUCK YOU. You can feed someone for $8.50? All you had to do was spend a little more than the cost of a gourmet sandwich? per person? times six? Also, lets account for all the test recipes and prep, lets account for pantries full of super expensive food writerly ingredients,  lets account for the fact that you could have taken everyone out for mexican on that budget. With these kind of economic advisers, who needs fund managers?

Lifestyle #9: How to Talk About the Recession

Posted in Lifestyle Advice by thepoors on March 24, 2009

2_great_depression2These days, what with the RECESSION and all, all anyone ever talks about is the RECESSION. At first you might think this puts you in a bit of an awkward spot: you don’t really know anything about the RECESSION, except that it loosely involved some d-bags you met at a bar in Midtown East a couple of years ago. Just how are you supposed to relate to your jobby friends’ suffering? But really, this is fantastic news. You now have the PERFECT EXCUSE to stay at home.

Bring up the RECESSION in every conversation you have. Do not allow yourself to feel out of the loop just because you don’t know what a credit default swap is: even though the RECESSION has not materially affected you – hell, YOUR life has been stagflating since you graduated college 3-7 years ago – pretend that it has. Blame your misfortunes on the RECESSION, just like everybody else.

  • Your parents demand to know why you charged $50 to their credit card at CVS: “With this RECESSION, Mom and Dad, I just can’t afford regular things like cold medicine. And I’m not eligible for Medicare yet, remember?”
  • An ex-girlfriend inquires as to why you, you fucking famous writer, haven’t published anything in years: “With this RECESSION, Sally, all the magazines have tragically stopped publishing. ALL OF THEM. Now I write for myself, for my art.”
  • A jobby friend asks you to go to an overpriced dinner: “That’s pretty decadent in this RECESSION, don’t you think? Won’t the masses be outside Jean Georges with their pitchforks? Aren’t you SCARED of SOCIALISM and REVOLUTION? I mean, we can’t ALWAYS just tell them to fuck off and eat cake.”
  • A jobby friend goes on vacation to Europe, but this time, it’s your turn to make HIM/HER feel bad: “Oh, they still have PLANES, do they? Didn’t realize anything was still going up in the air in this RECESSION.”

This can go on and on; the RECESSION EXCUSE, thank you US GUV, is suitable for any occasion. For the poor rich kid, the RECESSION is the cure-all, the great equalizer, the great democratizer, the last beacon of hope in a world beyond repair. And fuck you Sally, I hope Goldman goes under and you lose your fucking job FOREVER.

Lifestyle #8: Pork Tacos

Posted in Lifestyle Advice, Uncategorized by thepoors on March 17, 2009

pork_shoulder_picnic_42kb

Jobby types are always saying “time is money, dammit steve, TIME IS MONEY!” or some such bullshit. Maybe in a world where you are paid $400/hour to read emails or whatever it is those people do when they are “at the office” time is money, but for the PRK time is mostly, well, time. So while expensing sushi actually makes sense if you are planning to spend the next three hours earning $1200 to read Bloomberg, snort blow, and masturbate in the handicap bathroom, the PRK must find other solutions for dinner. Fear not, in a world where time is absolutely meaningless…fuck it: this shit will take a while, but it is super cheap and way delicious.

THE PRK ROAST PORK TACO:

1/2 pork butt/shoulder — $3.79

this is sold at fancy butcher shops as pork butt, but at the Bravo supermarket on 128th and St. Nicholas its labeled plainly as pork shoulder and sells for $1.69/lb.

Olive oil — $0.15

Though not generally considered cheap, you rarely need very much. Like Vogue Magazine might say about an absurdly priced YSL bag — consider some decent oil an investment piece.

2 carrots —  $0.10

1 onion — negligible

2 cups old wine/1 half-drunk Presidente — $0.65–$1.75.

two cups of wine may seem like an expense until I tell you that super cheep wine is not only OK, but will actually be great, because all the extra sugar will work wonders on your cut. Half a beer is a) cheep b) the second half is a little gift to yourself for being so diligent.

1 bay leaf —  $0.06

If you are anything like us, your roommate bought a huge box of these for some notion that may or may not have panned out. And no one minds you taking one of their bay leaves because no one can imagine going through an entire box of bay leaves. They really up-sell you on that, don’t they?

1 glug apple cider vinegar — $0.06

1 tbsp chilli black bean paste —  $0.12

chilibeanpaste-707505

Admittedly an odd thing to have in your fridge–and I would only use this if I already had some–but I highly recommend keeping some around. You can get it all over Chinatown and it can do wonders on nights when your fridge and cupboards are looking particularly empty.

2 tbsp tomato paste — $0.06

Learning how to keep stuff in your fridge is a good skill that keeps on giving, teach a man to fish and all that. You can buy tomato paste in big cans and save it in a plastic take-away container for over a month.

salt and pepper — if you dont have salt and pepper, then this recipe may not be for you.

tap water.

small corn tortillas — 20 for $0.75
TOTAL: $5.99

On the stove top, in a dutch oven or any pot that can go both on the stove and in the oven, heat up the olive oil just until it starts to smoke. Put in the pork fat side down and toast until the skin starts to brown and crackle. Deglaze the pan with wine/beer, meaning pour in the alcohol and scrape the sides of the pot so that all crispy meat bits end up in the broth.

Meanwhile, preheat your oven to 275 degrees.

Dice carrots and onions, and add the rest of the ingredients to the pot. Fill the pot with water until the roast is covered about 3/4. Make sure at this point that the fat/skin side is up. place the lid on the pot and place the whole kit into the oven. SET IT AND FORGET IT. Every now and again check on it, flipping the roast over, every couple of hours. Do this for 3 to 7 hours. As a PRK this should be no problem because most likely you are at home working or just plain avoiding spending any money.

When the meat is done braising (touch it, it should be getting soft) put the shoulder, fat side up, into a roasting pan and place back in the oven, basting with the braising liquid as the broth slowly becomes gravy on the stove. If you don’t have the time to do this all at once, its fine to stop and start again, especially in between the braising and the roasting. At this temperature, with constant basting the meat can cook almost indefinitely.

When the meat is so tender that it starts to fall off the bone, its done. Take a fork and knife to the roast and pull it apart, place a few ladles (there won’t be much more left after its cooked down) the gravy liquid over the pulled meat. Your done! Keep this in a Tupperware, it can be heated up by the spoonful in a frying pan, but definitely try at least one taco when it first comes out the oven.

Place your small tortilla directly over the flame on your oven or toast in  small frying pan. Fill with pork and gravy — dont ignore the fat and skin, but a little bit goes a long way.

For $0.30 per you have just made a perfectly cooked pork taco. For an extra treat and a dime added, fry up an egg-over-medium, throw it in and call it breakfast.

Lifestyle Advice #7: The “Vacation”

Posted in Lifestyle Advice by thepoors on March 13, 2009

buffalo

So you’ve spent all winter hibernating and now it’s spring/summer and it’s your birthday and your parents, so proud of their son/daughter for thinking about graduate school, bestow upon you presents. And there you have it: $250-$400 of disposable moneys!

What to do with this windfall? It’s not enough cash to upgrade your lifestyle – you can’t pick up and move to a nice apartment, and you’d feel weird going to to nice restaurants for like two-three weeks and then suddenly being poor again. But you do need a break: the stress of being a writer or a graphic artist is really getting to you. It’s time to expand your horizons through travel.

VACATION!

You buy a ticket to visit another Poor Rich Kid friend who’s opened up a PRK chapter in Buffalo or Chicago or Portland. You hop on a plane and then sit around your friend’s place for a week doing nothing. You commiserate about life. If you’re feeling ambitious, you might go to a museum. Then you fly back.

Back at home, you can tell all your jobby friends who went to Europe or South America that really, the good old U.S. of A. is where it’s at. I mean, the Art Institute of Chicago is fantastic! Portland has a thriving restaurant scene! Buffalo has such a gritty charm! It was just so nice, well, to get away from it all.

DEAR UNEMPLOYED FRIEND

Posted in Uncategorized by laurbelle2 on March 5, 2009

HEY YOU–

QUIT BOTHERING ME ABOUT WRITING IN ALL CAPS.  I’M WORKING ON THIS VERY IMPORTANT EXCEL SPREADSHEET AND CANNOT BE HASSLED WITH SWITCHING BACK TO LOWERCASE.  DEAL WITH IT. YOU’RE PROBABLY JUST LOOKING AT INTERNET PORN OR SELLING SOMETHING ON CRAIGSLIST ANYWAY.  GET A JOB, JERK.

LOVE,

YOU KNOW WHO

this-spreadsheet

Dating Tip #2: The PRK Guide to “The Pick-Up”

Posted in dating by thepoors on March 3, 2009

pick-up-artist_l

Scarface says, “First you get the drugs, then you get the money, then you get the woman.” While this is generally how it works, in these times you really don’t want to be depending on a game that requires SURPRISE trips to Dubai or diamond tennis bracelets “just because you’re looking so pretty today, honey.”

And you definitely don’t want to end up like the emasculated type-A exes of these ladies.

Now you might think: “This is all well and good once she ‘gets to know’ the real me, but what about the pick up? Isn’t that all roses and paying for drinks?” Fear not: we at PRK have developed a patented technology that will have her saying “what’s a birthday present” in no time.

First: never let on that you feel bad about being a broke, jobless, loser (mostly because you don’t). Here, just a touch of condescension is everything. Some hot-shot starts talking about how much he loves “making money” you come out blazing with some high-brow crap like “the intrinsic value of what you do” and ask this D-BAG squarely, and in FRONT OF EVERYBODY, if he feels like his job means anything. This works great especially if you have already put yourself on a PRK career path like “Graphic Design” or “Being a writer.” So you come out looking like an asshole, but then you pull her aside and whisper, “I just think we should all be making a difference” and she looks up all doe-eyed thinking to herself, “How lucky I am to be talking to such a magical SHAMAN of the new economy.” Game, set, match.

News Roundup #2: Poor Rich Adults Edition

Posted in In the News by thepoors on March 2, 2009

ducktales_cover2The New York Times truly is the gift that keeps giving. Today’s Sunday Styles featured no less than three articles about downward mobility, which the Grey Lady is totally hyping as the new upward mobility. And we all know, three articles makes a trend!

The first chapter of the Times’ tripartite saga is about a young blue-blood named Caitlin Macy, who became a writer to “pay off debts to her parents and buy a car.” Hers is a harrowing story of generations of downward mobility:

She went through boarding school (Kent) and college (Yale) on “deep financial aid,” as she put it; her grandfather was a blue blood who dissipated a family fortune among his four wives. Her husband has been let go abruptly from high-profile jobs at J. P. Morgan and a hedge fund in London. And two years ago, when it was time to send their older daughter to kindergarten, she did not get into any of the private schools to which they had applied (Brearley, Spence, Chapin)

“It was brutal,” Ms. Macy said in an interview in the Upper East Side apartment she shares with her husband and two daughters. “We did not go through the process particularly well. We didn’t write the letters that everyone is supposed to write, telling the schools how much our child would love to go there. We had some notion that we were well-educated people with interesting careers, and that would come through.”

If only you’d have been a graphic designer or gone to graduate school or been a writer who didn’t actually publish, your kids might have gotten into Brearley (spoiler alert: if you read the entire article, you will find out, apropos of nothing, that Macy’s husband has an enormous penis, which we suppose is still something of a commodity in a down economy). But you just didn’t know how to play the game, sucka.

Meanwhile, uptown, Samantha was getting her nails done while Mr. Big was crashing the markets… WRONG STORY, NYTIMES…. We digress… Here’s the second installment of the day, or “I’m so poor I can’t afford private school anymore!

Tuition next year at Grace Church School in Manhattan, which gives aid to 19 percent of its 417 students, will be $31,000. The school will give more aid next year: So far, about a dozen more families hit by the economy have asked for help. A few just need some unaccustomed advice about how to put their houses in order — or on the market, if it’s a second or third home.

“We’ll say, ‘You can’t really go to Vail this year and ask for financial aid,’ ” said George Davison, the head of Grace Church. “And they look surprised and say, ‘But we already paid for the tickets!’ ”

Ms. Hall, a corporate counsel, began ducking the school’s calls. Where was her deposit toward the $22,000 tuition? The school had an eager waiting list. Her son, 4, knew the answer: “I can’t go here next year because Mommy didn’t get a big enough bonus.”

“Mommy didn’t get a big enough bonus,” huh? Looks like us poor rich kids won’t be hanging out with you anytime soon, now that you’ve sold your homes and all. No potlucks in the Hamptons, friends! Why bother with private school if you can’t even winter in Vail?

And then there’s the whole trend of unemployed 60-year-old hipsters/people we actually feel bad for cruising for “work.” Looks like they may as well stay at home and bitch with those terrible, terrible Macys about how “brutal” it is to not get their kids into Brearley!

The unemployment rate for adults age 55 and older was 5.2 percent in January 2009, the highest since July 1992; 1.7 million adults 55 and older were unemployed, almost twice as many as in November 2007.When Ms. Johnson started organizing job fairs in 1999, the majority attending were recent college grads and a lot were looking for advice on how to climb the corporate ladder, ask for a raise, start a business. Now, she said, the majority are baby boomers or older and they just want to work again.

Looks like it’s time for that old post-BAC.

At this rate, by mid-2010, the struggling Times will have succesfully transformed itself into a popular blog called Poor Rich Adults.

Lifestyle Advice #6: Other People’s Property

Posted in Lifestyle Advice by thepoors on February 28, 2009

sartorialisthamptons3

So the rich-rich are constantly saying things like “I just took a vacation.” What, to where? What are you talking about. While the Poor-Rich are often jealous of the JOBS held by their Jobby friends, it is really their leisure time that we’re after. This is why every Poor Rich Kid keeps a list of FRIENDS WITH LEISURE HOMES.

It is one of those open secrets that people with cool vacation houses have more friends. Why? Because in all reality a vacation house is only as good as the fascinating and, in the best case, envious guests you can fill it with “for the weekend” and, in the great biological scheme of symbiosis, a rich friend is only as good as the piteous scraps of luxury you can scrounge from their glorious and glamorous wake.

So Jason is sort of a dick and fingered your girlfriend TWICE in college. Who gives a shit, he has this sweet spread in VERMONT right on the slope.

So Leonora is way less pretty than she thinks and is always talking about her haircut? Big EFFING DEAL, her house in the Long Island is totally worth it. And you both know it.

If played right, every winter, spring, summer, and fall you too will be able to say shit like “I was just in the Hamptons.” But be careful, nothing in life is really free, so mind the hidden charges. These can be: “throwing down for groceries” which will always include stupid bullshit like kobe beef hamburger meat and “the good” mayonnaise, or the even more annoying “So my parents bought all these groceries do you think you guys can get the booze?” The list goes on so try to avoid the houses of someone who might just spring for a hand carved ice-luge and ask everyone to chip in!

Dear Unemployed Friend, part deux

Posted in Letters from an Employed Friend by laurbelle2 on February 27, 2009

Dear Unemployed Friend,

How’s it going? How was the matinee screening of “Two Lovers” yesterday? Or did you just download it? Seeing that you have a bit more free time on your hands these days, I thought that maybe you could swing by my office and give me that $35 you owe me? Remember? From that dinner at Al di La last month when the 6 of us went out and you “forgot” to bring your wallet? Thanks. Also, can I have my balsamic vinegar back? You “borrowed” it last week when we cooked dinner at your house, and I’ve run out of ways to politely imply that I need it back. It was $12 at Citarella. I bought it for this amazing citrus salad that I first had in East Hampton last summer. Too bad you couldn’t make it out that weekend–the Jitney was all sold out! You really must book earlier this year–since you now have unlimited access to the internet, that really shouldn’t be a problem again.Oh, and one last thing–can you PLEASE stop stealing my New Yorkers??!

Thanks a mil.

Yours truly,

McJoberina

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Lifestyle #5: Charging Cigarettes to Your Parents’ Credit Card

Posted in Lifestyle Advice by thepoors on February 19, 2009

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We know what you’re thinking: my parents don’t even know that I smoke, how can I possibly get them to pay for my cigarettes?

Silly question. Most poor rich kids have some sort of access to their parents’ credit card. Even if you’ve been cut off, so to speak (and every poor rich kid will insist that he/she is entirely financially independent), your parents want to know that if someone holds you at gunpoint and the $6.32 in your wallet just isn’t enough, the thief / poor-poor-person will be able to take their credit card. This way the poor-poor-person will feel satisfied and won’t kill you. So your parents give you their credit/ATM card, just in case.

There is, however, another acceptable use for your parents’ credit card: buying items from the pharmacy. Use their credit card to buy a carton of cigarettes. If Mom and Dad call and ask why there’s a $50 charge from Duane Reade, tell them you had a cold or the flu and needed medical supplies, which are crazy expensive these days. What sort of upwardly mobile parents would deny their downwardly mobile children their health?

Now we know you feel ashamed that your parents still pay for shit, but get over it, everyone does it. And if Mom and Dad get an itemized credit card bill, you can always tell them you were mugged at gunpoint and the bandit charged a carton of cigarettes at the Duane Reade. Cigarettes are expensive!

Lifestyle #4: Going to the Movies

Posted in dating, Lifestyle Advice by thepoors on February 17, 2009

dsc_4861x300So everyone is talking about the movies. We like movies too, but as brokesters, there is only so much Megavideo and Hulu we can do. OVGuide is great, but you’re never going to understand the Oscars without a real-live trip to the theaters.

Here’s one trick we like a lot: GOING TO THE MULTIPLEX. This exercise takes a little bit of research and planning, but like any good investment, it pays off handsomely.

First, timing is everything. Going to the theater during the fall season of lingering summer duds and KATE HUDSON MOVIES is a total waste of time, let alone money. This trick works best when there are tons of great movies out, like during the HOLIDAYS or the week of the Golden Globes. Once the day is selected – and really, just about any day will do, because you’re probably just staying at home – timing is everything. AVOID THE WEEKEND, when theaters occasionally sell out. Choose a theater that has tons of showings. Go early in the day and buy a ticket for the first showing.

BOOM!!! ALL DAY MOVIE PASS.

A quick jump into the Duane Reade nearby for some cost-effective snacks and you’ve just bought yourself a whole seasons worth of movie magic (estimated retail value: $140) for FIFTEEN DOLLARS.

TRICK OF THE TRADE. Bring a coat and hat and take them on and off throughout the day in different combos to avoid being spotted. That said, these underpaid $6.75/hr multiplex mallcops are on our side and don’t give a shit. Multiplexing works best alone, but if you need to bring a friend, make sure he/she is inconspicuous.

This can even work for a date who may or may not be “charmed” by your crazy multiplex hijinxes. She can see He’s Just Not That Into You while you watch Valkyrie and you can meet up later in Theater 17 for that romantic comedy that will help you get your groove on! And then you can take the subway home and argue about David Denby’s shit-ass movie review that you read in your friend’s New Yorker.

Career Path #3: POST-BAC

Posted in "career paths" by thepoors on February 15, 2009

Applying to post-bac programs: this is perfect for those who want to sound the most serious with the least amount of effort. The flighty talk about becoming an MDPhD or whatever completely overshadows the awkward truth that you are now talking about essentially going back to undergraduate so that you can, after that, spend seven years in med school. Yeah RIGHT – you’ll never make it to med school. But your parents MAY pay for another two years of college!

News Roundup: The Unbearable Lightness of Being a Poor Rich Kid

Posted in In the News by thepoors on February 13, 2009

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So 50%-75% of The New York Times has always consisted of articles about how being rich isn’t as easy as it used to be, what with flying commercial to Nantucket and not being able to get your kids into the college of their dreams. Still, never before have the interwebs devoted so much bandwith to the plight of the downwardly mobile.

The Times has a truly fascinating article about the creepy Schoppe twins, a pair of overachieving Princeton juniors who are finding themselves shut out of the i-banking dream:

They live together and take all the same courses, wear identical necklace rings given to them by their grandmother and share the same goal — the kind of high-energy, high-paying job on Wall Street that recent generations of Princeton students have seen as their birthright…

First they have to get there. Despite being in the rigorous Operations Research and Financial Engineering program, they are still struggling to land interviews for summer internships amid the financial meltdown. “I’m committed to pursuing this until the last person says, ‘No,’ ” said Christine (I think). Her sister agreed.

If it doesn’t work out for you, Schoppes (and let us say: if there is a God, it won’t), you can always stay at home and eat rice and beans. We’ll even take you to a museum.

Slate had its own sob-story by a girl who once dreamt of being a writer:

My small but helpful trust fund lost 40 percent all at once, and then another 20 percent, leaving me, practically speaking, destitute. I suddenly needed something more than an Internet writing job (Internet writers need trust funds) at the exact moment when there were no jobs. Either that or a man of means

But where would we be without MTV? True Life is having a casting call:

True Life: I Can’t Afford My Lifestyle

Were you living large but hit hard by the current economic situation? Did you have a pimped out crib and now have to downsize? Has you new financial status affected your relationships because you can no longer play with the high rollers? Are you dating someone who had it all, but find yourself disappointed to have to swap five course entrees for five dollar footlongs? Do you feel that you can’t possibly give up the life you worked for, but are left with no other choice? If you have answered ‘yes’ to any of these, then MTV would like to hear your story. If you appear to be between the ages of 17-28 and can’t afford your lifestyle and would like to share your story please email us at Lifestyle@mtvn.com. Please include a your name, your story, a phone number and a photo.

If MTV were doing this for an episode of Made, we could totally be the lifestyle “coaches.”