Poor Rich Kids

Lifestyle #9: How to Talk About the Recession

Posted in Lifestyle Advice by thepoors on March 24, 2009

2_great_depression2These days, what with the RECESSION and all, all anyone ever talks about is the RECESSION. At first you might think this puts you in a bit of an awkward spot: you don’t really know anything about the RECESSION, except that it loosely involved some d-bags you met at a bar in Midtown East a couple of years ago. Just how are you supposed to relate to your jobby friends’ suffering? But really, this is fantastic news. You now have the PERFECT EXCUSE to stay at home.

Bring up the RECESSION in every conversation you have. Do not allow yourself to feel out of the loop just because you don’t know what a credit default swap is: even though the RECESSION has not materially affected you – hell, YOUR life has been stagflating since you graduated college 3-7 years ago – pretend that it has. Blame your misfortunes on the RECESSION, just like everybody else.

  • Your parents demand to know why you charged $50 to their credit card at CVS: “With this RECESSION, Mom and Dad, I just can’t afford regular things like cold medicine. And I’m not eligible for Medicare yet, remember?”
  • An ex-girlfriend inquires as to why you, you fucking famous writer, haven’t published anything in years: “With this RECESSION, Sally, all the magazines have tragically stopped publishing. ALL OF THEM. Now I write for myself, for my art.”
  • A jobby friend asks you to go to an overpriced dinner: “That’s pretty decadent in this RECESSION, don’t you think? Won’t the masses be outside Jean Georges with their pitchforks? Aren’t you SCARED of SOCIALISM and REVOLUTION? I mean, we can’t ALWAYS just tell them to fuck off and eat cake.”
  • A jobby friend goes on vacation to Europe, but this time, it’s your turn to make HIM/HER feel bad: “Oh, they still have PLANES, do they? Didn’t realize anything was still going up in the air in this RECESSION.”

This can go on and on; the RECESSION EXCUSE, thank you US GUV, is suitable for any occasion. For the poor rich kid, the RECESSION is the cure-all, the great equalizer, the great democratizer, the last beacon of hope in a world beyond repair. And fuck you Sally, I hope Goldman goes under and you lose your fucking job FOREVER.

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