Poor Rich Kids

Lifestyle #12: Hanging Out With Your Parents

Posted in Lifestyle Advice by thepoors on May 12, 2009

35415119_97a850e548Back when you were cool and surly and all of 16 or 18 or even 20, hanging out with your parents was so lame. Mom and Pop would ask you if you wanted to go to dinner, catch up, talk about life, maybe even see a movie, and you’d be like, “I HAVE FRIENDS MOM AND DAD / I HAVE MY OWN FUCKING LIFE / STOP BOTHERING ME / YOU SUCK / I NEVER WANT TO SEE YOU EVER / KEEP PAYING FOR COLLEGE.”

But as a not-quite-grown-up, times have changed. These days, poor rich kids love nothing more than some good old-fashioned quality time with Mom and Dad.

“What’s that, Mom? You want to see The Soloist? It looks like a TERRIBLY CRAPPY movie, but I’d love to go.”

“Oh, you want to have dinner on Saturday night? Oh, sounds wonderful, I have a totally HOT DATE that I will cancel so we can dine at the Gramercy Tavern.”

Accept whatever generosity your parents bestow upon you. If they want to do your laundry, lend you their car, take you to fancy dinners, or go to a movie, DO IT. It beats sitting at home. Parents = new best friends.

We love you, Mom and Dad. Happy Mom and Pop’s Day.



Posted in Lifestyle Advice by thepoors on April 17, 2009

2177736670_4924c10474So these days, what with the RECESSION and all, even jobbies are throwing cheap-o parties! Instead of the typical let’s-go-to-a-fancy-restaurant-and-then- split-the-bill-and-make-you-pay-$80- even-though-you-didn’t-order-anything- parties, they’re going to “dive bars” and buying “cheap beer.” Here are some REAL-LIFE INVITES to jobby parties:

dont you miss thursday nights at the [redacted]? what about bipolar bartenders (not [redacted] of course)? for all you recessionistas come join me for my birthday for $8 pitchers because lets face it, these days none of you can afford $20 vodka tonics on the lower east side.


In This Economy

Forget $15 haute cocktails

Lines of bridge and tunnelers & bouncers who rule the scene

Come celebrate my 25th with me at the dive of all dives in [redacted]. There will be cheap drinks, sandwiches and freeze dance!

You can obviously parlay this microtrend to your advantage. Say it’s your birthday, an event you haven’t celebrated since, like, college. Throw a HOUSE PARTY (actually, say it’s a HIPSTER DANCE PARTY, which will make all the jobbies feel jealous because they have their parties in shitty BARS), promise all those recessionistas CHEAP BEER, and then PRETEND THAT YOU’RE ALL OUT OF BOOZE BY THE TIME THEY GET THERE. Obliging jobbies will go to the nearest bodega and pick up an entire case of Magic Hat because that’s what they think the poor kids drink. Everyone gets drunk and has fun, and you’ve managed to celebrate another year of non-accomplishment for free. It’s win-win-win. You might even get laid, but oh wait, you sleep on a fucking ratty mattress.

Dating Tip #3: The Local Getaway

Posted in dating, Lifestyle Advice by thepoors on April 3, 2009

Roosevelt Island

So you charmed the shit out of some jobby’s girlfriend with your avant attitude and that worldly glisten in your eye and now she wants to “hang out.” But hold up broke-romeo, this business is not ready for your abstract fantasies of nudie movie watching. Even the PRK must go out on dates, and as everyone knows dates cost money. Maybe you already tried a trip to the museum, or maybe she’s just not that kind of gal (is she from Long Island? did she go to Vanderbilt?), but rest assured there are plenty of cheap dates, and  we’re not talking about cruising the LES for lonely, drunk 18-year-olds at 3am. We present PRK Dating Tip #3: Roosevelt Island.

Established in 1921 as Welfare Island, this sliver of land between midtown and Queens is the perfect spot for your PRK date.

Why: Although it’s just a stones throw away from Manhattan, no one ever goes there. Filled with a rich history of prisons, psych wards, and syphilis containment centers, the old hospital buildings are something between a tour of Scottish castles and a good ol’ scary movie–either way, a total panty-dropper.

What to do: Check out the old Octagon lunatic asylum (now luxury apartments with an art gallery in the lobby). When you are done there head down main street to the one diner/bar (Trellis, 549 Main St.) for a couple of cold ones, before taking a sunset walk down the east-river-front promenade.

How to get there: You can take a subway there, but be sure to catch the cable car back, as the sun goes down over midtown and the stars begin to twinkle over the Bronx, this ride is the perfect spot to make your move.

Lifestyle #10: The Flask

Posted in Lifestyle Advice by thepoors on April 1, 2009

11521Say for some reason you weren’t able to stay at home and some girl dragged you out to Rose Bar or whatever with the jobbies. The girls order cosmos or whatever it is girls drink, and the bros are downing double-shots of bro-sauce. Your “friends” are picking up rounds left and right – pretty soon it’s going to be your turn to take on the dreaded $70 tab. This could easily spell disaster.

But you had the foresight to bring a flask!

You take out your flask and pass it around, telling everyone that this flask–monogrammed, obviously, and bought off Ebay!–belonged to your grandfather, who was some famous Salingerian New Yorky half-WASP, even though you are full-time Jewish–who gives a shit, you could be Hindu! You claim that you would go get everyone drinks, it’s just that the bar is so fucking crowded–isn’t this easier? The girls are left shaking their heads at what a classy guy you are. The bros are jealous of your seemingly endless supply of the sauce. The flask is an incredibly easy way to exude class while simultaneously–and secretly– maintaining cheapness.

As a bonus, you can put cheap, well whiskey inside and tell everyone it’s Johnny Walker Black. No one will know the difference, because all flask-alcohol tastes disgustingly similar. Just beware of bouncers, who will kick you out of the bar for bringing in outside alcohol, and of your friend’s friend Melanie, whom everyone knows has mouth-herpes.

Lifestyle #9: How to Talk About the Recession

Posted in Lifestyle Advice by thepoors on March 24, 2009

2_great_depression2These days, what with the RECESSION and all, all anyone ever talks about is the RECESSION. At first you might think this puts you in a bit of an awkward spot: you don’t really know anything about the RECESSION, except that it loosely involved some d-bags you met at a bar in Midtown East a couple of years ago. Just how are you supposed to relate to your jobby friends’ suffering? But really, this is fantastic news. You now have the PERFECT EXCUSE to stay at home.

Bring up the RECESSION in every conversation you have. Do not allow yourself to feel out of the loop just because you don’t know what a credit default swap is: even though the RECESSION has not materially affected you – hell, YOUR life has been stagflating since you graduated college 3-7 years ago – pretend that it has. Blame your misfortunes on the RECESSION, just like everybody else.

  • Your parents demand to know why you charged $50 to their credit card at CVS: “With this RECESSION, Mom and Dad, I just can’t afford regular things like cold medicine. And I’m not eligible for Medicare yet, remember?”
  • An ex-girlfriend inquires as to why you, you fucking famous writer, haven’t published anything in years: “With this RECESSION, Sally, all the magazines have tragically stopped publishing. ALL OF THEM. Now I write for myself, for my art.”
  • A jobby friend asks you to go to an overpriced dinner: “That’s pretty decadent in this RECESSION, don’t you think? Won’t the masses be outside Jean Georges with their pitchforks? Aren’t you SCARED of SOCIALISM and REVOLUTION? I mean, we can’t ALWAYS just tell them to fuck off and eat cake.”
  • A jobby friend goes on vacation to Europe, but this time, it’s your turn to make HIM/HER feel bad: “Oh, they still have PLANES, do they? Didn’t realize anything was still going up in the air in this RECESSION.”

This can go on and on; the RECESSION EXCUSE, thank you US GUV, is suitable for any occasion. For the poor rich kid, the RECESSION is the cure-all, the great equalizer, the great democratizer, the last beacon of hope in a world beyond repair. And fuck you Sally, I hope Goldman goes under and you lose your fucking job FOREVER.

Lifestyle #8: Pork Tacos

Posted in Lifestyle Advice, Uncategorized by thepoors on March 17, 2009


Jobby types are always saying “time is money, dammit steve, TIME IS MONEY!” or some such bullshit. Maybe in a world where you are paid $400/hour to read emails or whatever it is those people do when they are “at the office” time is money, but for the PRK time is mostly, well, time. So while expensing sushi actually makes sense if you are planning to spend the next three hours earning $1200 to read Bloomberg, snort blow, and masturbate in the handicap bathroom, the PRK must find other solutions for dinner. Fear not, in a world where time is absolutely meaningless…fuck it: this shit will take a while, but it is super cheap and way delicious.


1/2 pork butt/shoulder — $3.79

this is sold at fancy butcher shops as pork butt, but at the Bravo supermarket on 128th and St. Nicholas its labeled plainly as pork shoulder and sells for $1.69/lb.

Olive oil — $0.15

Though not generally considered cheap, you rarely need very much. Like Vogue Magazine might say about an absurdly priced YSL bag — consider some decent oil an investment piece.

2 carrots —  $0.10

1 onion — negligible

2 cups old wine/1 half-drunk Presidente — $0.65–$1.75.

two cups of wine may seem like an expense until I tell you that super cheep wine is not only OK, but will actually be great, because all the extra sugar will work wonders on your cut. Half a beer is a) cheep b) the second half is a little gift to yourself for being so diligent.

1 bay leaf —  $0.06

If you are anything like us, your roommate bought a huge box of these for some notion that may or may not have panned out. And no one minds you taking one of their bay leaves because no one can imagine going through an entire box of bay leaves. They really up-sell you on that, don’t they?

1 glug apple cider vinegar — $0.06

1 tbsp chilli black bean paste —  $0.12


Admittedly an odd thing to have in your fridge–and I would only use this if I already had some–but I highly recommend keeping some around. You can get it all over Chinatown and it can do wonders on nights when your fridge and cupboards are looking particularly empty.

2 tbsp tomato paste — $0.06

Learning how to keep stuff in your fridge is a good skill that keeps on giving, teach a man to fish and all that. You can buy tomato paste in big cans and save it in a plastic take-away container for over a month.

salt and pepper — if you dont have salt and pepper, then this recipe may not be for you.

tap water.

small corn tortillas — 20 for $0.75
TOTAL: $5.99

On the stove top, in a dutch oven or any pot that can go both on the stove and in the oven, heat up the olive oil just until it starts to smoke. Put in the pork fat side down and toast until the skin starts to brown and crackle. Deglaze the pan with wine/beer, meaning pour in the alcohol and scrape the sides of the pot so that all crispy meat bits end up in the broth.

Meanwhile, preheat your oven to 275 degrees.

Dice carrots and onions, and add the rest of the ingredients to the pot. Fill the pot with water until the roast is covered about 3/4. Make sure at this point that the fat/skin side is up. place the lid on the pot and place the whole kit into the oven. SET IT AND FORGET IT. Every now and again check on it, flipping the roast over, every couple of hours. Do this for 3 to 7 hours. As a PRK this should be no problem because most likely you are at home working or just plain avoiding spending any money.

When the meat is done braising (touch it, it should be getting soft) put the shoulder, fat side up, into a roasting pan and place back in the oven, basting with the braising liquid as the broth slowly becomes gravy on the stove. If you don’t have the time to do this all at once, its fine to stop and start again, especially in between the braising and the roasting. At this temperature, with constant basting the meat can cook almost indefinitely.

When the meat is so tender that it starts to fall off the bone, its done. Take a fork and knife to the roast and pull it apart, place a few ladles (there won’t be much more left after its cooked down) the gravy liquid over the pulled meat. Your done! Keep this in a Tupperware, it can be heated up by the spoonful in a frying pan, but definitely try at least one taco when it first comes out the oven.

Place your small tortilla directly over the flame on your oven or toast in  small frying pan. Fill with pork and gravy — dont ignore the fat and skin, but a little bit goes a long way.

For $0.30 per you have just made a perfectly cooked pork taco. For an extra treat and a dime added, fry up an egg-over-medium, throw it in and call it breakfast.

Lifestyle Advice #7: The “Vacation”

Posted in Lifestyle Advice by thepoors on March 13, 2009


So you’ve spent all winter hibernating and now it’s spring/summer and it’s your birthday and your parents, so proud of their son/daughter for thinking about graduate school, bestow upon you presents. And there you have it: $250-$400 of disposable moneys!

What to do with this windfall? It’s not enough cash to upgrade your lifestyle – you can’t pick up and move to a nice apartment, and you’d feel weird going to to nice restaurants for like two-three weeks and then suddenly being poor again. But you do need a break: the stress of being a writer or a graphic artist is really getting to you. It’s time to expand your horizons through travel.


You buy a ticket to visit another Poor Rich Kid friend who’s opened up a PRK chapter in Buffalo or Chicago or Portland. You hop on a plane and then sit around your friend’s place for a week doing nothing. You commiserate about life. If you’re feeling ambitious, you might go to a museum. Then you fly back.

Back at home, you can tell all your jobby friends who went to Europe or South America that really, the good old U.S. of A. is where it’s at. I mean, the Art Institute of Chicago is fantastic! Portland has a thriving restaurant scene! Buffalo has such a gritty charm! It was just so nice, well, to get away from it all.

Lifestyle Advice #6: Other People’s Property

Posted in Lifestyle Advice by thepoors on February 28, 2009


So the rich-rich are constantly saying things like “I just took a vacation.” What, to where? What are you talking about. While the Poor-Rich are often jealous of the JOBS held by their Jobby friends, it is really their leisure time that we’re after. This is why every Poor Rich Kid keeps a list of FRIENDS WITH LEISURE HOMES.

It is one of those open secrets that people with cool vacation houses have more friends. Why? Because in all reality a vacation house is only as good as the fascinating and, in the best case, envious guests you can fill it with “for the weekend” and, in the great biological scheme of symbiosis, a rich friend is only as good as the piteous scraps of luxury you can scrounge from their glorious and glamorous wake.

So Jason is sort of a dick and fingered your girlfriend TWICE in college. Who gives a shit, he has this sweet spread in VERMONT right on the slope.

So Leonora is way less pretty than she thinks and is always talking about her haircut? Big EFFING DEAL, her house in the Long Island is totally worth it. And you both know it.

If played right, every winter, spring, summer, and fall you too will be able to say shit like “I was just in the Hamptons.” But be careful, nothing in life is really free, so mind the hidden charges. These can be: “throwing down for groceries” which will always include stupid bullshit like kobe beef hamburger meat and “the good” mayonnaise, or the even more annoying “So my parents bought all these groceries do you think you guys can get the booze?” The list goes on so try to avoid the houses of someone who might just spring for a hand carved ice-luge and ask everyone to chip in!

Lifestyle #5: Charging Cigarettes to Your Parents’ Credit Card

Posted in Lifestyle Advice by thepoors on February 19, 2009


We know what you’re thinking: my parents don’t even know that I smoke, how can I possibly get them to pay for my cigarettes?

Silly question. Most poor rich kids have some sort of access to their parents’ credit card. Even if you’ve been cut off, so to speak (and every poor rich kid will insist that he/she is entirely financially independent), your parents want to know that if someone holds you at gunpoint and the $6.32 in your wallet just isn’t enough, the thief / poor-poor-person will be able to take their credit card. This way the poor-poor-person will feel satisfied and won’t kill you. So your parents give you their credit/ATM card, just in case.

There is, however, another acceptable use for your parents’ credit card: buying items from the pharmacy. Use their credit card to buy a carton of cigarettes. If Mom and Dad call and ask why there’s a $50 charge from Duane Reade, tell them you had a cold or the flu and needed medical supplies, which are crazy expensive these days. What sort of upwardly mobile parents would deny their downwardly mobile children their health?

Now we know you feel ashamed that your parents still pay for shit, but get over it, everyone does it. And if Mom and Dad get an itemized credit card bill, you can always tell them you were mugged at gunpoint and the bandit charged a carton of cigarettes at the Duane Reade. Cigarettes are expensive!

Lifestyle #4: Going to the Movies

Posted in dating, Lifestyle Advice by thepoors on February 17, 2009

dsc_4861x300So everyone is talking about the movies. We like movies too, but as brokesters, there is only so much Megavideo and Hulu we can do. OVGuide is great, but you’re never going to understand the Oscars without a real-live trip to the theaters.

Here’s one trick we like a lot: GOING TO THE MULTIPLEX. This exercise takes a little bit of research and planning, but like any good investment, it pays off handsomely.

First, timing is everything. Going to the theater during the fall season of lingering summer duds and KATE HUDSON MOVIES is a total waste of time, let alone money. This trick works best when there are tons of great movies out, like during the HOLIDAYS or the week of the Golden Globes. Once the day is selected – and really, just about any day will do, because you’re probably just staying at home – timing is everything. AVOID THE WEEKEND, when theaters occasionally sell out. Choose a theater that has tons of showings. Go early in the day and buy a ticket for the first showing.


A quick jump into the Duane Reade nearby for some cost-effective snacks and you’ve just bought yourself a whole seasons worth of movie magic (estimated retail value: $140) for FIFTEEN DOLLARS.

TRICK OF THE TRADE. Bring a coat and hat and take them on and off throughout the day in different combos to avoid being spotted. That said, these underpaid $6.75/hr multiplex mallcops are on our side and don’t give a shit. Multiplexing works best alone, but if you need to bring a friend, make sure he/she is inconspicuous.

This can even work for a date who may or may not be “charmed” by your crazy multiplex hijinxes. She can see He’s Just Not That Into You while you watch Valkyrie and you can meet up later in Theater 17 for that romantic comedy that will help you get your groove on! And then you can take the subway home and argue about David Denby’s shit-ass movie review that you read in your friend’s New Yorker.

Lifestyle #3: Rice & Beans

Posted in Lifestyle Advice by thepoors on February 9, 2009

Rice and beans is an ancient trick we poor rich kids learned from poor poor people. This is a time-tested recipe to feed yourself for a week for $3-$5.



1/2 that old, half-onion in your butter drawer.

1 can goya black beans.

2 whole carrots (1 for eating while you cook because you skipped lunch, and are feeling faint).

1 cup dry rice.

1 of your roommate’s bay leaves.

2 tblespoons of your roommate’s olive oil.

1 spoonful of leftover tomato paste (that you filched from your parents’ cabinet).

Heat oil in skillet. Dice up old onion, put half into the skillet and saute until clear. Add dry rice and bay leaves. Toast on high, then add two cups water and cover. Saute remaining half onion, add carrots, diced, and cook until tender. Open can of black beans, wash off, and add to the mix with tomato paste and a dash of roommate’s salt. When the rice is done, combine the rice with the beans into one pan and cook a little longer till some, but not all, of the rice starts to get crispy. Eat this for a week. Enjoy as you stay at home.

If you’re feeling flush, buy 10 tortillas ($2). For burrito, take one piece of roommate’s cheese at a time so he/she doesn’t notice and place concoction inside toaster oven. For stir-fry, steal one of roommate’s hot dogs or slice of tofu and reheat with roommate’s olive oil in skillet. If bread is lying around, make a sandwich out of it and flavor with roommate’s hot sauce. If you don’t have a roommate to steal ingredients from, you are obviously not a poor rich kid, because how in the world can you afford to live by yourself.

Lifestyle #2: Steal Magazines

Posted in Lifestyle Advice by thepoors on February 6, 2009

new-yorker1If for some reason you absolutely must leave your apartment, remember to take your jobby friends’ leftover New Yorker/ VOGUE/Wired/Vanity Fair “for the train.” This solves two problems at once. First, you can talk about how much you love reading on the train, when really your broke ass has no other options. Secondly, you get to catch up on the periodicals and finally read scathing Gawker comments on Maureen Dowd’s treatment of Tina Fey with some insight!

Lifestyle #1: Stay at Home

Posted in Lifestyle Advice by thepoors on February 6, 2009


So all your jobby friends are going out to La Esquina or Momofuku or Al Di La and you know they’re going to wind up “splitting the bill” because that’s what working bees do and even if you only get one antipasta and a beer you’re gonna be in for $50. There is a simple solution: stay at home.

Tell your friends you’re on a date with a “Mystery Girl/Boy” or studying for the LSAT or working on a huge graphic design project or busy doing something in Brooklyn that’s cooler than what they’re doing. This way you don’t spend any money and they’re not even insulted and will still invite you to their country houses this summer!