Poor Rich Kids

Valentine’s Dating Tip #1: Museums

Posted in dating by thepoors on February 11, 2009

poor love

Two words: Suggested donation. Many of the great museums are essentially free, but suggest that you donate $30 or whatever to get in. The way this works is that a) tourists don’t speak English and are carrying around zillions of euros anyway, so THEY pay b) jobbys hate money-based shame, and will pay just to avoid that awkward moment when the cash register rings up the price and the cashier looks down at the two pathetic nickels lying on the counter. But we say, fuck that. Fair is fair, and free is free: we have taken note of your suggestion, Museum, and have respectfully gone in another direction.

How to handle it: Get there early, and pay for the museum badges first. This way, your date is none the wiser that you spent only ten hard-earned cents PLUS it looks like you paid for everything PLUS you are a gentleman/lady for being on time. Also, try to find a specific museum piece you want to show them, so it looks like you have a plan. Dates love it when you have a plan. Avoid talking too much, but remember that a few, well-timed / incisive comments on the artwork can go a long way in saying, i know a thing or too, but dont worry, im not full of myself.

Career Path #3: “Writing” / “Journalism”

Posted in "career paths" by thepoors on February 10, 2009

shattered_glass2The thing about being a “writer” is that you do not actually have to do any writing. If you freelanced an article in the Village Voice several years ago or worked on your college newspaper or once published a Letter-to-the-Editor in the New York Times, you’re a “journalist.” If you put up a blog post within the last 24 months and at least three and a half people read it, you’re a “blogger” (that’s what we are: “bloggers”). If you got stoned last week and thought of an amazing idea for a movie, you’re a “screenwriter.” If you published a short story back in college in the campus lit-mag, you’re a “novelist.” In case of emergency, “being a writer” may include that list of errands you made three months ago in your otherwise pristine and unwritten-in Moleskine. Regardless, this is the perfect way to pretend to your family and friends that you are actually doing something while you stay at home and eat rice and beans.

Being a writer provides you with infinite time and flexibility: you don’t have to publish anything, ever, because that Great American Novel of yours requires work, hard work, and obviously it’s going to take you a long time to not write it. And when you finish not writing it, you can always go to graduate school and get an MFA so you can finally do some writing. Living in the city as a “writer” was just so distracting!

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Lifestyle #3: Rice & Beans

Posted in Lifestyle Advice by thepoors on February 9, 2009

Rice and beans is an ancient trick we poor rich kids learned from poor poor people. This is a time-tested recipe to feed yourself for a week for $3-$5.

mex-rice-and-beans

Ingredients:

1/2 that old, half-onion in your butter drawer.

1 can goya black beans.

2 whole carrots (1 for eating while you cook because you skipped lunch, and are feeling faint).

1 cup dry rice.

1 of your roommate’s bay leaves.

2 tblespoons of your roommate’s olive oil.

1 spoonful of leftover tomato paste (that you filched from your parents’ cabinet).

Heat oil in skillet. Dice up old onion, put half into the skillet and saute until clear. Add dry rice and bay leaves. Toast on high, then add two cups water and cover. Saute remaining half onion, add carrots, diced, and cook until tender. Open can of black beans, wash off, and add to the mix with tomato paste and a dash of roommate’s salt. When the rice is done, combine the rice with the beans into one pan and cook a little longer till some, but not all, of the rice starts to get crispy. Eat this for a week. Enjoy as you stay at home.

If you’re feeling flush, buy 10 tortillas ($2). For burrito, take one piece of roommate’s cheese at a time so he/she doesn’t notice and place concoction inside toaster oven. For stir-fry, steal one of roommate’s hot dogs or slice of tofu and reheat with roommate’s olive oil in skillet. If bread is lying around, make a sandwich out of it and flavor with roommate’s hot sauce. If you don’t have a roommate to steal ingredients from, you are obviously not a poor rich kid, because how in the world can you afford to live by yourself.

Letter From an Employed Friend #1

Posted in Letters from an Employed Friend by laurbelle2 on February 9, 2009

Dear Unemployed Friend,

I lurv you. You make my days as a gainfully employed young lady so much more FUN. I email you, you respond within minutes. You are always on gchat. You can always meet me for a cigarette at 2:43 pm on a Wednesday. You will happily get shitfaced with me on a Monday night for no good reason (as long as I’m paying). You make me feel good about my fashion choices:

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You always know which bar has free food from 7-9 pm. You stand in line for the free movie screenings and give me your +1. Whenever I mention you, my parents suddenly become very proud of me. You rock my world, unemployed friend. I will happily not abort your baby should we ever choose to have class warfare and “merge and acquire” the employed and unemployed worlds.

Love,
Your friend, the slightly less downwardly mobile daughter of the revolution

Lifestyle #2: Steal Magazines

Posted in Lifestyle Advice by thepoors on February 6, 2009

new-yorker1If for some reason you absolutely must leave your apartment, remember to take your jobby friends’ leftover New Yorker/ VOGUE/Wired/Vanity Fair “for the train.” This solves two problems at once. First, you can talk about how much you love reading on the train, when really your broke ass has no other options. Secondly, you get to catch up on the periodicals and finally read scathing Gawker comments on Maureen Dowd’s treatment of Tina Fey with some insight!

Lifestyle #1: Stay at Home

Posted in Lifestyle Advice by thepoors on February 6, 2009

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So all your jobby friends are going out to La Esquina or Momofuku or Al Di La and you know they’re going to wind up “splitting the bill” because that’s what working bees do and even if you only get one antipasta and a beer you’re gonna be in for $50. There is a simple solution: stay at home.

Tell your friends you’re on a date with a “Mystery Girl/Boy” or studying for the LSAT or working on a huge graphic design project or busy doing something in Brooklyn that’s cooler than what they’re doing. This way you don’t spend any money and they’re not even insulted and will still invite you to their country houses this summer!

Career Path #2: Running an “Independent” Graphic Design Company

Posted in "career paths" by thepoors on February 6, 2009
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This “career path” can include anything from fiddling with your own portfolio website to taking $30 from your newly unemployed (and disastrously in denial) i-banking cousin to lay out his resume. This is great, especially if you are willing to take little-to-no money for real time-consuming work!

Career Path #1: Graduate School

Posted in "career paths" by thepoors on February 6, 2009

51bry0wunjl_bo2204203200_pisitb-sticker-arrow-clicktopright35-76_aa240_sh20_ou01_ In order to tell people you’re in graduate school, you do not actually have to be in in graduate school or applying to graduate school or even in the process of applying to graduate school. As long as you’re studying for a graduate school entrance exam, you are technically in graduate school. Knowing your absymally poor academic record, though, you probably haven’t bothered. But if you’ve bought the Test Prep Guide or looked through it once at Barnes and Nobles (before deciding, of course, that you’re too poor to to pay for it), you can at least say that you’re  “thinking about” graduate school. This will impress your parents and their friends – “what a level-headed young man/woman!” – and get them off your back. They might be so impressed that they decide to pay for graduate school, in which case you have succeeded beyond your wildest dreams and are no longer Poor.

Things We Tell Our Parents’ Friends

Posted in Uncategorized by thepoors on February 6, 2009

graduate

It’s always embarrassing when the children of the upwardly mobile are forced to explain their own downward mobility to their parents’ friends. Has this ever happened to you?

“oh hey Mr. Friedman how are you” / “great jonah so what have you been up to” / “oh you know college” / “didn’t you graduate three years ago” / “sort of yeah” / “what have you been doing” / “i saw a movie last week it was pretty good”

Congratulations. You have just admitted to Mr. Friedman that you are an unemployed hobo.

Poor Rich Kids

Posted in Uncategorized by thepoors on February 6, 2009
Hobos

Hobos

Welcome to the world of the downwardly mobile. Our parents had a bit of money; some of our friends have a bit as well. But we, well, we’re sort of broke. Hell, we’re so broke the recession didn’t even affect us! Anticipating a flood of recruits to our underemployed ranks, we’ve decided to share some of our secrets with the more fortunate.

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