Dating Tip #3: The Local Getaway

So you charmed the shit out of some jobby’s girlfriend with your avant attitude and that worldly glisten in your eye and now she wants to “hang out.” But hold up broke-romeo, this business is not ready for your abstract fantasies of nudie movie watching. Even the PRK must go out on dates, and as everyone knows dates cost money. Maybe you already tried a trip to the museum, or maybe she’s just not that kind of gal (is she from Long Island? did she go to Vanderbilt?), but rest assured there are plenty of cheap dates, and  we’re not talking about cruising the LES for lonely, drunk 18-year-olds at 3am. We present PRK Dating Tip #3: Roosevelt Island.

Established in 1921 as Welfare Island, this sliver of land between midtown and Queens is the perfect spot for your PRK date.

Why: Although it’s just a stones throw away from Manhattan, no one ever goes there. Filled with a rich history of prisons, psych wards, and syphilis containment centers, the old hospital buildings are something between a tour of Scottish castles and a good ol’ scary movie–either way, a total panty-dropper.

What to do: Check out the old Octagon lunatic asylum (now luxury apartments with an art gallery in the lobby). When you are done there head down main street to the one diner/bar (Trellis, 549 Main St.) for a couple of cold ones, before taking a sunset walk down the east-river-front promenade.

How to get there: You can take a subway there, but be sure to catch the cable car back, as the sun goes down over midtown and the stars begin to twinkle over the Bronx, this ride is the perfect spot to make your move.

Dating Tip #2: The PRK Guide to “The Pick-Up”

Scarface says, “First you get the drugs, then you get the money, then you get the woman.” While this is generally how it works, in these times you really don’t want to be depending on a game that requires SURPRISE trips to Dubai or diamond tennis bracelets “just because you’re looking so pretty today, honey.”

And you definitely don’t want to end up like the emasculated type-A exes of these ladies.

Now you might think: “This is all well and good once she ‘gets to know’ the real me, but what about the pick up? Isn’t that all roses and paying for drinks?” Fear not: we at PRK have developed a patented technology that will have her saying “what’s a birthday present” in no time.

First: never let on that you feel bad about being a broke, jobless, loser (mostly because you don’t). Here, just a touch of condescension is everything. Some hot-shot starts talking about how much he loves “making money” you come out blazing with some high-brow crap like “the intrinsic value of what you do” and ask this D-BAG squarely, and in FRONT OF EVERYBODY, if he feels like his job means anything. This works great especially if you have already put yourself on a PRK career path like “Graphic Design” or “Being a writer.” So you come out looking like an asshole, but then you pull her aside and whisper, “I just think we should all be making a difference” and she looks up all doe-eyed thinking to herself, “How lucky I am to be talking to such a magical SHAMAN of the new economy.” Game, set, match.

Lifestyle #4: Going to the Movies

So everyone is talking about the movies. We like movies too, but as brokesters, there is only so much Megavideo and Hulu we can do. OVGuide is great, but you’re never going to understand the Oscars without a real-live trip to the theaters.

Here’s one trick we like a lot: GOING TO THE MULTIPLEX. This exercise takes a little bit of research and planning, but like any good investment, it pays off handsomely.

First, timing is everything. Going to the theater during the fall season of lingering summer duds and KATE HUDSON MOVIES is a total waste of time, let alone money. This trick works best when there are tons of great movies out, like during the HOLIDAYS or the week of the Golden Globes. Once the day is selected – and really, just about any day will do, because you’re probably just staying at home – timing is everything. AVOID THE WEEKEND, when theaters occasionally sell out. Choose a theater that has tons of showings. Go early in the day and buy a ticket for the first showing.

BOOM!!! ALL DAY MOVIE PASS.

A quick jump into the Duane Reade nearby for some cost-effective snacks and you’ve just bought yourself a whole seasons worth of movie magic (estimated retail value: $140) for FIFTEEN DOLLARS.

TRICK OF THE TRADE. Bring a coat and hat and take them on and off throughout the day in different combos to avoid being spotted. That said, these underpaid $6.75/hr multiplex mallcops are on our side and don’t give a shit. Multiplexing works best alone, but if you need to bring a friend, make sure he/she is inconspicuous.

This can even work for a date who may or may not be “charmed” by your crazy multiplex hijinxes. She can see He’s Just Not That Into You while you watch Valkyrie and you can meet up later in Theater 17 for that romantic comedy that will help you get your groove on! And then you can take the subway home and argue about David Denby’s shit-ass movie review that you read in your friend’s New Yorker.

Valentine’s Dating Tip #1: Museums

Two words: Suggested donation. Many of the great museums are essentially free, but suggest that you donate $30 or whatever to get in. The way this works is that a) tourists don’t speak English and are carrying around zillions of euros anyway, so THEY pay b) jobbys hate money-based shame, and will pay just to avoid that awkward moment when the cash register rings up the price and the cashier looks down at the two pathetic nickels lying on the counter. But we say, fuck that. Fair is fair, and free is free: we have taken note of your suggestion, Museum, and have respectfully gone in another direction.

How to handle it: Get there early, and pay for the museum badges first. This way, your date is none the wiser that you spent only ten hard-earned cents PLUS it looks like you paid for everything PLUS you are a gentleman/lady for being on time. Also, try to find a specific museum piece you want to show them, so it looks like you have a plan. Dates love it when you have a plan. Avoid talking too much, but remember that a few, well-timed / incisive comments on the artwork can go a long way in saying, i know a thing or too, but dont worry, im not full of myself.